Libby Can't Take It

Hitting mute on a call, Libby said to me, "It's like this person has never changed a password before...This is unreal. She just keeps saying no and a cat is crying in the background." I answered, " Are you sure it's not an echo of your own cries?" (That sounds like an 80s goth band song "The Echo of Your Own Cries".)

No Refunds

In 2013, Evan came in to work and saw Brad, who looks like Bradley Cooper and said, "You owe me for your latest film. It was bad. I paid $7 to see Hangover 3." Without missing a beat, our B.C. said, "That's it? I gotta get Fandango on the horn cuz my pictures are worth at least 12 bucks."

"Your User ID is...

TuPac7, sir. And I ain't mad at ya." Thankfully the customer found this to be amusing.

Overly Irritating Waiters

The other night after work a few of us went out for some grub and drinks. The waiter was particularly interested in Cypher and thought he would woo her by being a royal pain in the ass. Overheard by me:

"Yeah, can I get a Margarita?"
"Do you want top shelf?"
"Um, how much is that?"
"Two dollars more than a regular margarita."
"Uh-huh. And that would cost..."
"I'm not really sure."
pause....
"Well, how 'bout you find out and come back here and let me know."
"But it's only two bucks more."
"Yeah, so is it 10 and then 12 or are we lookin' at 20 and then $22 because, son, that's a big damn difference."

Then later he decided to make a suggestion:

"Hey, why don't you order the quesadillas?"
"Nah, I'm cool."
"Look, order the quesadillas and if you don't like them I'll pay for it and I'll buy ya dessert."
"Huh. Go on back to the kitchen and let me think on this for a while."

The Checkered Flag

"Hey, Cyph, only an hour and a half left!"
"Damn, Star, you sure know how to sweet talk me. Good thing we ain't in a dark room..."

A World of Veruca Salts

While discussing the ignorance of some callers, Cypher and I pondered how these same people might check out a book from the library.

"Hello, East Dystopia Library, how may I help you?"
"Yes, I'd like to check out a book."
"Um, where are you, ma'am?"
"Well, I'm at home..."
"Ma'am, you would need to come to the library if you want to check out a book."
"Well that's damn inconvenient. (click)"

Ew

NaaNaa: "This guy is breathing so loud, I feel like wiping my ear."

Too Good To Be True

Bradley finally came in office the other day. Louise asked how his New Year's was and he told us, "Well, me and most of my family all went to this really great bar in Philly. At like 2am we all go out trying to get cabs and my cousin can't walk cause she wore stilettos. So I let her wear my shoes and put her in a cab home. Then I walked around Philly for another hour and a half looking for a cab wearing just my socks. Some homeless guy asked me for change and I was like, 'Bro, I don't even have shoes, what makes you think I have any cash?' Yeah, it was freakin' cold out, too." I can't believe she let him go around barefoot! Our Bradley is sweet as mince pie.

Out of boredom comes...

...stupidity. When I would get bored taking calls I would often liven things up by trying out different accents or using my phone sex voice. One afternoon I answered a call in a breathy voice and then realized, "Crap, I have to keep talking like this til this stinkin' call is over." (I've never been terribly bright.) Anyway, towards the end of my call the gentleman I was speaking with said, "It must spur on a young man's testosterone to hear your voice." I couldn't resist so I said, still sexin' it up, "Sir, I'm a man." Dead silence. "Just kidding, I'm a girl!" More silence.
I soon found other ways to occupy myself during calls; like coloring in coloring books. It gets me in less trouble.

Awkwardddd....

Hugh's caller needed to verify security, so he asked, "Sir, what was the name of your first pet?" The answer? blackboy.

Laury Beth's Caller

"Alright, sir, you should be all set."
"Call me John."
Why should I call him John, this call is over?
"Okay, John, you are good to go, is there anything else I can help you with today?"
"Yeah, how about you meet me at 6."
"I'm sorry?"
"Well, you got my number right there, gimme a call when you get done at 5 and we'll get together. Talk to ya then. click."

Apparently John didn't realize that when one contacts a call center that they are rarely in the same city. John was calling from California. I'm pretty sure when Laury Beth gets done work at 5, she's not gonna make it by 6pm Cali time. What a douche.

First Car

Conversation between myself and my customer, Trish Clover of Georgia:

"For verification purposes, what was your first car?"
"A Dodge Challenger"
"Ohmigod, what year?"
"1970."
"Oooo....Ms. Clover, I think I hate you."
"I had me a purple 1970 Dodge Challenger and I remember it like it was yesterday. It was to die for - TO DIE FOR."
"Why don't you have it anymore?"
"My ex-husband wrecked it."
"That why he's the ex-husband?"
"No, I stayed with him after that. He wrecked my life a bit more before I got rid of him."
"When a man destroys your car, he's gotta go."
"I shoulda known that."
"Hindsight, right?"
"Mmmm-hmmm. You said it."

Period.

This morning's topic was on menstruation. Thankfully the menfolk were not in yet and were spared our stories of woe. Aquina was told us, "I've had Hubby buy me some pads and I told him exactly what to get and he came back with the CVS brand. I was like, 'Honey, I need the fully loaded ones! You are just asking for me to stain the furniture, ya know?' Now I take a picture of exactly what I need with his phone so he can't screw it up."

Take That!

We were discussing the wrath of Sandy and how everyone fared. Aside from a couple leaks, everyone in the office was safe and sound. However, the new guy, Stephen, broke up with his girlfriend on Friday. He found out that she was two-timing him with some dancer from her work. Needless to say, Stephen was pretty ticked. So he rang up this floozy and told her, "Listen, if you wanna find your dance stuff, it'll be in the trash at the end of the drive." "Stephen!" the harlot screamed, "That stuff is expensive!" His response? With zero compassion in his voice he said, "Sorry. The hurricane is comin' and I gotta downsize."

Your Mama...

Two coworkers were going back and forth with the Your Mama's So jokes. This one was dead center of hilarious:

Your Mama's so black she went to night school and got marked absent.

Rural Indeed

Customer was having connection issues and so I then inquired:
"Sir, are you in a rural area?"
"I'm in a cornfield surrounded by a bunch of Amish people."
"I see, I'll take that as a Yes."

Pray for Us

Jeanie, God bless her, had to take an irate caller the other night and listen to her rant for a solid 25 minutes. Apparently the woman wanted information on her husband, which, hello!, we cannot give out without his permission. This loon claimed she had power of attorney over her 27 year old husband even if he's on the toilet. What that means, we truly do not know. She then went on to shout about how she talked to (screamed at) John Smith at 2am and said to Jeanie, "That John Smith was stupid and rude [he's neither] and I know that isn't even his real name [it is] and he made me so mad that I screamed at him so loud that he made me scare my dog so much that he went and pissed the bed while my husband was sleepin' in it." Her diatribe continued and she explained that her husband is a firefighter and doesn't have time to talk on the phone and give permission to anyone; she's got power of attorney, God damn it. Jeanie eventually had to stop the woman and tell her, "Ma'am, I'm going to hang up now."
Everyone in the office was completely silent listening to Jeanie's end of the conversation. Once she clanged on that maniac she filled us in on all the deets. That's when Brad said, "Whew, that husband of hers is living the life of Deliverance probably tied to a bed somewheres. No wonder he's a firefighter. He's prolly like, "Put me into any burning building - just help me to end this." When J.S. came in and we told him that he was rude and stupid and made a dog piss the bed he doubled over laughing and told us that she screamed at him for 20 minutes, hung up, called back, and when he answered said, "Aw, fuck, YOU AGAIN." Oh yeah, she was a real peach.

Ouch

I had a caller the other day who needed to make a fast dentist appointment. He explained the situation thusly, "I busted a crown." "Ooo," I replied, "Which tooth?" "First one back from the incisor. I look like a meth addict."

Charming

Security Question: What is your favorite holiday?
Caller's answer: Meatfest

(gross.)

Oh Lord...

The other night, Jeanie got a call from her two sons, ages eight and ten. The phone call went something like this:
Jean: "Marco? What are you doing up? It's 10 o'clock at night."
Marco: "Mommy, me and Richie are on the computer. We wanna know your name as it appears on your credit card."
Jeanie then clenched her teeth and told them to go the hell to bed and stop buying things online. That poor girl, she'll be a functioning alcoholic by the time those boys get to high school.