Our Congratulations

Cypher and I are absolutely thrilled that Jim and Pam are officially engaged. Us bad ass sistas got all kinds-a choked up over Thursday night's proposal. Well done to Lee Eisenberg & Gene Stupnitsky for writing a pitch perfect episode. Keep 'em comin'!!

A Word From Our Sponsor

Not too long ago, we had a visitor over to our side of the cube. It was none other than our fellow worker, Uncle Peaches. Peaches was goin' on about his stint in the Gulf in the 80s and how he came back a very angry and disenchanted young man. Since then, he has married and calmed down, finally able to get the reigns on some of his deep rooted issues. (like, I mean issues. Like he needs a library to store all those back issues. Currently we are seeking someone to catalog them via The Dewey Decimal System, so please apply if qualified.) Anyway...we were discussing how to handle situations that arise in our day to day wherein we become confronted with an individual who is directing their anger and hostilities towards us. Here is a short and to the point way of how to respond in a calm and healthy manner: "Well, enjoy your life. (slight pause) Cuz there's sumthin' wrong with it." Simple, yet concise.
Sidney Poitier once wrote that one must "find a positive outlet for anger or it will destroy you." It is along those very same lines that Peaches informed us that all one needs to do is recognize that the anger of the other party is unhealthy, and that it is best to not address the anger because the problem is not you, it is the way in which that individual is living their life in such a way as to fuck up your afternoon. So I give a shout out to Uncle Peaches. Thanks, man, and hey, Namaste.
Also, please take in to account that Uncle Peaches is the same man who during last year's Holiday Pollyanna, sent everyone at New Age Slavery a list of his wants: "shirts, socks, and underpants." The man actually asked for his co-workers to purchase underpants for him. And honestly, who calls them underpants anymore? I mean aside from my 85 year old grandmother. At times I feel he's too twisted for color TV.

Cypher's Latest Food Invention

"Star, why don't they make Skittles Rice Krispie treats?"
"With all that gelatin? Um, that'd be too much animal bones for one treat."
"Oh yeah? Well, they make them hooves pretty delicious, y'know. I like me some horse hooves every now and again..."
"Well, you're alone in that."

Our Greatest Wishes

Cypher and I easily tire of the daily hub and bub of office work. We were discussing how one day we would like to just once, answer a call in our own way. Now, I have been known to thicken my Joisey accent from time to time to where I sound like Jami Gertz in a certain 1992 film. However, Cyph was tellin' me that one day she intends to answer the call as Tony Montana. For example, rather than ask the caller if they could please provide us with their subscriber identification number so as to assist them further, my soul sister will instead say, "Uh, yeah, jew nee' ta g'me jer susscribah eye-dee, jew 'ear me, uh??" And honestly, only she can pull that off. I however, being slightly more timid, wanted to answer calls more musically. I did one time have enough ovos to take the call and summon my very best Johnny Mathis voice and sing "♪Hellllloo, I don't even know your name...♫" There was of course a long pause on the other end until I said, "...and you have reached New Age Slavery, formerly known as Detention Technologies..." It was a proud moment in our family, I can tell you that. It's not every day that a dream becomes a reality. It can happen to you, ya dreamer, so keep reachin' for those stars.

Never one to hold her tongue...

Cypher loves to tell it like it is and that goes for me as well as anyone. But, me bein' her soul sister and all, I gotta say that her snippy-ness really only endears her to me all the more. Like the other day when I fell short of her expectations and she snapped: "If that's the best you can do, than you're a sorry tramp." Cypher, baby, I loves ya.

Permanent State of Mind: Confusion

That pretty much sums up exactly how Cypher & I feel when taking these calls. Confused. Not terribly long ago, we discussed ad nauseam the fact that many of the callers do not own a computer. This intrigues us because the very nature of our business is to assist these callers with online technical support. Why dontchyouse play the fly on the wall to a smattering of our conversation on this pressing issue:
Cypher begins, "You know, I just gots ta ask ya, Star, where are they gettin' our number?? It's like I'm askin' them where they at on the site and all of a sudden some kinda insane revelation occurs and they go, 'Oh I don't have a computer.' And they're all matter-of-fact about it, like I'm some sort of a damn fool and should know this already. I swear one man was all, 'Oh, I ain't gotta computer. I was buyin' m'self a saw at Home Depot and damn if it didn't have your number on it.' I mean, come on now, damn it, what the funk is wrong wit' dees bitches."
"Seriously! I mean, I was buying some hemorrhoid cream last week and I actually saw our number on the back of the box. What's next I ask you, 'Yeah, I live in a tree and I'm really callin' you from a soup can with a string...' I feel like tellin' them that they are too worthless to speak to any further and then just clang 'em."
"I heard that, sister Star, mmmhmmm. 'Yes I'm callin' you from a desert island off the Pacific Coast and the coconut I'm using for a phone has got your number on the back.' Child, puh-lease! Buncha fuckin' deadbeat morons callin' here for Christ sake."

The laugh to end all laughs....

A former coworker back in the Detention Technology Days had thee bestest laugh I've ever heard. And who would be the one to reproduce Bertrand's laugh with graceful perfection, but my soul sister number nine, Miss Cypher. Here it is in all it's glory. Enjoy, cause I know that those of you with class, sophistication and impeccable wit, will indeed appreciate this little nugget of our lovely little lives.