Star Speaks Her Mind

Okay, time for a rant. Over the weekend I had the great misfortune of being dragged to "Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans" with my cousin. She is a fan of any film that I feel to be complete and utter garbage. She is the demographic for which films like "National Treasure" and "Norbit" are made. I wanted to see "The Wrestler" or "Slumdog Millionaire" (you know how my soul sister & I love those gorgeous Indian men...) or maybe even "Revolutionary Road," but being as I play the obedient boyfriend to all of my female friends, I got stuck watching the CGI werewolf/vampire flick. It wouldn't have been so painful if I wasn't seated in front of an eight year old girl who ran commentary during the entire film. Also, her two brothers next to her, ages ten and eleven, enjoyed kicking the back of our seats while chewing louder than a cheetah devouring a gazelle in the Serengeti. However, on the opposite side of the daughter were the individuals responsible for placing these monstrosities in my presence. Oh, and how could I forget the 2 year old boy who was suckling his mother's breast thru the entire second act. "Oh no she di'n't!!" Uh, yeah, she absolutely fuckin' did. But the silver lining to this charade was that the parents brought the kiddies to the 7:50pm showing of the R-rated and extremely violent film. Thus leaving plenty of time to tote the whole fam to an early gang rape and that weekend cock fight out in West Philly. And let's not forget the late night Klan meeting at quarter after eleven, followed by a quick jaunt across the river into North Camden to pick Daddy up some H and sell little Samantha into white slavery. Perhaps one day, she will look just like this little girl. It's good to dream, kids, but more often than not, that's all it is; a dream. Those fuckers are in for a miserable ride on the downward spiral into the eighth circle of Hell.


photo by the extraordinary Ms. Mary Ellen Mark

Callers Who Are Too Damn Old To Be Callin' Us

We love older guys and gals as much as the next kid, but why employers insist these folks use the computer is beyond comprehension. Here's what Aurelius and Cypher said should be the basis as to whether or not they should attempt to use the fancy thinkin' box:

~If you was changin' Baby Jesus' diaper.
~If your name is on the Hieroglyph wall.
~If you were part of the Civil War fightin' with Abe Lincoln.
~If you was there when they built Ellis Island & brought over Lady Liberty's torch.
~If you happen to have invented the wheel or discovered fire, then your ass needs to back the hell away from that computer.

Where's Big Sam??

"We are pickin' callers from the phone line just like pickin' cotton from the field."
"Amen, Cyph. If I's the foreman on dis plantation I's be sayin' quittin' time, y'all."

Exasperation leads to moments of genius.

This is reality. Thanks for showing up.

A Star Is Born

"Damn, these callers got some funky ass names. They need to get a Hooked On Arabic, cuz I need somebody to tell me how you spell Shabawhodingus!"

Allergy Season?

Here's a little phone conversation between Cypher & her caller that I just so happen to listen in on:
"And can I have your first and last name, please?"
"Ha-shhe."
"Bless you, your first name."
"Ha-shhe."
"Bless you. Again, your first name."
"HA-SHHE!"
"Bless you. Ma'am, is there a cat in the house or somethin'??"
Cypher later leans over the partition and asks, "What the fuck kind a name is Ha-she? I mean, that ain't no fuckin' name. It's a god damn sneeze. Star, baby, you wouldn't go namin' yer first child after a fuckin' sound effect, now would ya?" Hell to the no on that one, soul sister, hell to the mutha fuckin' no.

Random Acts of Stupidity

Okay, so here at New Age Slavery, we have to, on a daily basis, tolerate the stupidity of our customers. A daunting task, I must confess. Here are a few excerpts from moments that blew me and my sister's minds:

Star: "Please click on the link that says 'Forgot your password'."
Caller: "I can't use my arms to type." - ponder that gem for a spell....

"Um, for where it says City of Birth, do I just put my date?"

Our favorite ID: assmaster1. Funnily enough, this was not the same individual that answered his security question of "What is your favorite garden tool?" as his cock. Truly a classy guy.

"Uh, hi, yeah, um, my wife tells me that I need to be on happy pills. She says I can order them if I go on the Intro-net."

"My address bar is broken."

"My first cat's name? Oh, it was General MacArthur."

Exasperated caller: "Honey chile, I have worn out my acrylic tips tryin' ta get into ya'lls site. Can you help a girl out?"

(this is Cypher's fave) Star: "Please read through the agreement and click I Agree."
Customer's response: "Ain't nobody smoke in mah house! Not my wife, not nobody!! Dya hear me??" - that's a big 10-4 there, buddy....

"Is the 3 capitalized?" - someone seriously asked me that. My reply was stunned silence.

"U as in Eugene."

Fran: "T as in Tom"
Caller: "P as in Polar?"
Fran: "No, T as in Tom, Tracy, Table!!"
Caller: "C as in Cable??"

"Sir, please verify the following question-Who was your first employer?"
"My first employer? In life?"

But everyone's absolute favorite of all stupid callers is without a doubt the gal that called to inquire about accessing her husband's account. After Simon asked to speak to her husband to verify information, she explained that he was in Germany. "Well, ma'am, I can't allow access to the account until I've spoken to the owner." "Um, one sec....(insert the sound of a female poorly pretending to be a male by using a pathetic deep voice)...um, hello?" "Ma'am, I know this is you." Classic.