Another Woman Beatin' on Her Man

New Age Slavery has a policy that we must speak only to the card holder. Usually this means the husband and few things enrage a wife as much as denied access. Often times, when the man is actually available, the wife will dictate to him what he is to say. Cypher once took a call of this nature. She hit mute, stood up and exclaimed, "This woman is tearin' her husband apart! Damn!!! She just hollered 'Dat's a U not a Dub-U!' God damn! Time to serve her belligerent ass some fuckin' divorce papers."

Cypher, oh she's mad flirty, kids...

So there's this fella that we see around the office, one of those IT guys, right. He's like, ten, maybe fifteen years older than me & my sister. Well, one day he comes over and is helping me out with my stoopid lap top when Cypher stands up, leans over the partition and says, "What's your name, sir? Cuz we just been callin' you Handsome Guy." Ed replied with a huge grin on his cute lil' face, "Oh, I like you..."
Later Cyph shared this with me: "He got a lil' dip in his strut. Y'know what I mean. In a white dude? That's rare. I kinda like it."

Star Speaks Her Mind

Okay, time for a rant. Over the weekend I had the great misfortune of being dragged to "Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans" with my cousin. She is a fan of any film that I feel to be complete and utter garbage. She is the demographic for which films like "National Treasure" and "Norbit" are made. I wanted to see "The Wrestler" or "Slumdog Millionaire" (you know how my soul sister & I love those gorgeous Indian men...) or maybe even "Revolutionary Road," but being as I play the obedient boyfriend to all of my female friends, I got stuck watching the CGI werewolf/vampire flick. It wouldn't have been so painful if I wasn't seated in front of an eight year old girl who ran commentary during the entire film. Also, her two brothers next to her, ages ten and eleven, enjoyed kicking the back of our seats while chewing louder than a cheetah devouring a gazelle in the Serengeti. However, on the opposite side of the daughter were the individuals responsible for placing these monstrosities in my presence. Oh, and how could I forget the 2 year old boy who was suckling his mother's breast thru the entire second act. "Oh no she di'n't!!" Uh, yeah, she absolutely fuckin' did. But the silver lining to this charade was that the parents brought the kiddies to the 7:50pm showing of the R-rated and extremely violent film. Thus leaving plenty of time to tote the whole fam to an early gang rape and that weekend cock fight out in West Philly. And let's not forget the late night Klan meeting at quarter after eleven, followed by a quick jaunt across the river into North Camden to pick Daddy up some H and sell little Samantha into white slavery. Perhaps one day, she will look just like this little girl. It's good to dream, kids, but more often than not, that's all it is; a dream. Those fuckers are in for a miserable ride on the downward spiral into the eighth circle of Hell.


photo by the extraordinary Ms. Mary Ellen Mark

Callers Who Are Too Damn Old To Be Callin' Us

We love older guys and gals as much as the next kid, but why employers insist these folks use the computer is beyond comprehension. Here's what Aurelius and Cypher said should be the basis as to whether or not they should attempt to use the fancy thinkin' box:

~If you was changin' Baby Jesus' diaper.
~If your name is on the Hieroglyph wall.
~If you were part of the Civil War fightin' with Abe Lincoln.
~If you was there when they built Ellis Island & brought over Lady Liberty's torch.
~If you happen to have invented the wheel or discovered fire, then your ass needs to back the hell away from that computer.

Where's Big Sam??

"We are pickin' callers from the phone line just like pickin' cotton from the field."
"Amen, Cyph. If I's the foreman on dis plantation I's be sayin' quittin' time, y'all."

Exasperation leads to moments of genius.

This is reality. Thanks for showing up.

A Star Is Born

"Damn, these callers got some funky ass names. They need to get a Hooked On Arabic, cuz I need somebody to tell me how you spell Shabawhodingus!"