The Legend in Our Living Room

For those faithful Chronicles viewers, you may recall that on August 21st of last year I did a post of Cypher imitating the incredible laugh of a certain Detention Technologies employee. Well, Sunday evening I got a teary call from Franny informing me that Aurelius had Facebooked her to say that Bertrand passed away that morning. I know that I speak for everyone of us at New Age Slavery, as well as the old Detentions peeps, when I say that we are nothing short of full-stop shocked about this news. Bertrand was hilarious with a no-bullshit tolerance attitude. He had impeccable style and taste. Anyone who saw his footwear will agree. He was one of those incandescent people that everyone seemed to gravitate towards. The man was class all the way, no question, and he will be so very missed by all of us.

For Verification Purposes

We were recently talking about how every caller we get has to verify their ID & password to gain access and how fucked up would it be if before reporting a crime or calling 911 you needed to do the same. Por ejemplo...
"Yeah, yeah, Cyph, it'd be like: For wife-beatings, press 9. Suicides, please press 8..."
"Ohmigod, no, hold up, check this, Soul Sister: 'Ma'am may I have your date of birth?' 'THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE!! HELP ME!!' 'Ma'am, I can't hear you when you scream at me. Please slow it down. I need your date of birth before I can process your request for aid...' Oh my Lord, how fucked up would that be!"
Then Laury Beth chimes in with her gem, "Wait, how about this: 'MY HUSBAND'S HAVIN' A HEART ATTACK!!!' 'Okay, Ma'am are you the primary on the account??'"
We may all just be New Age Slaves workin' the lines and fieldin' the calls, but god damn it, we can find silver lining in a black abyss.

Question of the Day

Should someone driving a $250,000 Bentley go through a Wendy's Drive-Thru?

Cypher and I are outraged to think that there is actually someone of such low caliber allowed to interact with polite society. I mean, that is just très gauche. Who on Earth would spend that amount of money on a precision automobile such as a Bentley, only to litter it with greasy food. It's appalling and tacky and these individuals should be taken to task for their despicable behavior. Our beloved coworker, Laury Beth, actually defends these humans begat from swine based on the fact that if "they're hungry and want Wendy's." I swore that her voice would not be heard on this survey, however, I am an open minded female and feel that both viewpoints be presented equally. Even though all of those bred from fine, upstanding families will agree that placing Wendy's fries, which quite frankly taste of people, into a Rolls Royce is nothing short of utter tackiness. If you feel the same, please comment; all others would be so kind as to keep those fast food fingers from the computer's keyboard.

Another Woman Beatin' on Her Man

New Age Slavery has a policy that we must speak only to the card holder. Usually this means the husband and few things enrage a wife as much as denied access. Often times, when the man is actually available, the wife will dictate to him what he is to say. Cypher once took a call of this nature. She hit mute, stood up and exclaimed, "This woman is tearin' her husband apart! Damn!!! She just hollered 'Dat's a U not a Dub-U!' God damn! Time to serve her belligerent ass some fuckin' divorce papers."

Cypher, oh she's mad flirty, kids...

So there's this fella that we see around the office, one of those IT guys, right. He's like, ten, maybe fifteen years older than me & my sister. Well, one day he comes over and is helping me out with my stoopid lap top when Cypher stands up, leans over the partition and says, "What's your name, sir? Cuz we just been callin' you Handsome Guy." Ed replied with a huge grin on his cute lil' face, "Oh, I like you..."
Later Cyph shared this with me: "He got a lil' dip in his strut. Y'know what I mean. In a white dude? That's rare. I kinda like it."

Star Speaks Her Mind

Okay, time for a rant. Over the weekend I had the great misfortune of being dragged to "Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans" with my cousin. She is a fan of any film that I feel to be complete and utter garbage. She is the demographic for which films like "National Treasure" and "Norbit" are made. I wanted to see "The Wrestler" or "Slumdog Millionaire" (you know how my soul sister & I love those gorgeous Indian men...) or maybe even "Revolutionary Road," but being as I play the obedient boyfriend to all of my female friends, I got stuck watching the CGI werewolf/vampire flick. It wouldn't have been so painful if I wasn't seated in front of an eight year old girl who ran commentary during the entire film. Also, her two brothers next to her, ages ten and eleven, enjoyed kicking the back of our seats while chewing louder than a cheetah devouring a gazelle in the Serengeti. However, on the opposite side of the daughter were the individuals responsible for placing these monstrosities in my presence. Oh, and how could I forget the 2 year old boy who was suckling his mother's breast thru the entire second act. "Oh no she di'n't!!" Uh, yeah, she absolutely fuckin' did. But the silver lining to this charade was that the parents brought the kiddies to the 7:50pm showing of the R-rated and extremely violent film. Thus leaving plenty of time to tote the whole fam to an early gang rape and that weekend cock fight out in West Philly. And let's not forget the late night Klan meeting at quarter after eleven, followed by a quick jaunt across the river into North Camden to pick Daddy up some H and sell little Samantha into white slavery. Perhaps one day, she will look just like this little girl. It's good to dream, kids, but more often than not, that's all it is; a dream. Those fuckers are in for a miserable ride on the downward spiral into the eighth circle of Hell.


photo by the extraordinary Ms. Mary Ellen Mark

Callers Who Are Too Damn Old To Be Callin' Us

We love older guys and gals as much as the next kid, but why employers insist these folks use the computer is beyond comprehension. Here's what Aurelius and Cypher said should be the basis as to whether or not they should attempt to use the fancy thinkin' box:

~If you was changin' Baby Jesus' diaper.
~If your name is on the Hieroglyph wall.
~If you were part of the Civil War fightin' with Abe Lincoln.
~If you was there when they built Ellis Island & brought over Lady Liberty's torch.
~If you happen to have invented the wheel or discovered fire, then your ass needs to back the hell away from that computer.