Who Did Dat Banana Puddin'?

I would like to take this opportunity to veer away from the Highway of Hell located here in East Central Dystopia. It's the only road in the territory and it has but one destination - the office building of New Age Slavery. As we turn off to the shoulder, let's talk about dreams. Not those dreams where you're in a men's room in Central Park doing lines of coke with Captain Kangaroo and Jennifer Aniston while Johnny Mathis sings from atop the urinal. (I would like to add that his voice sounds particularly spectacular as it ricochets off of the shit splattered porcelain. But I digress.) No, I am speaking specifically of the day to day dreams that we all have. A better house, a lot of cash, a new puppy, whatever churns your butter, as the saying should go. Well, my sister and I were on the subject of what we'd like to do for a living. See, no little girl lies awake in bed dreaming of someday answering calls for a company that's motto is "Here at N.A.S. we take great care in reminding you what a worthless SOB you are." So please don't even imagine that this is where we hope to be, come retirement age in the year 2079. Getting to the point, as I do have one, Cypher makes an extraordinary Naner Pudding. Let me be more specific. Cypher's Banana Pudding could bring permanent peace to the Middle East. It can cure cancer and the common cold in one spoonful. It makes dreams come true. When this goes global, women can serve this delightful dessert to a male companion and no lie, it's so good it'll get him to buy you a house with a wrap-around porch without havin' to give any head. Am I bein' clear?? So keep checkin' back to The Chronicles cuz we're gonna get a real live website goin' so as to share this creation with the rest of the world. Cause Cypher, she's one givin' bitch. That's why we love her.

Eric Roberts

Cypher "Mmmhmmm, I'd like to push up on dat."

Yes, dear, we are aware. He's delicious, delectable, and 100% satisfying. Like a juicy watermelon slice on an airless, scorching day in Kuwait. We praise Allah for creating this living Adonis. Shabawhodingus!!!!

Early Morning Wisdom

"I can think cuz I had breakfast."

It's a statement that's simple, concise, and speaks volumes. Cypher really oughta do cereal commercials and she and I should be the new faces on Kashi's Good Friends Cinna-Raisin Crunch cereal box. They'd sell like a mofo, kids.

Another Catchphrase Is Born

Faithful readers know that our tagline is "Don't start shit and there won't be shit." Cypher recently came up with another gem: "What the fuck you give, is what the fuck you get." If Deepak Chopra had been raised in an inner city in the Americas, I believe he would have first thought of this quote. However, he didn't. Our Cypher shoots from the hip and doesn't believe in sugar coating anything and God bless her for that. As an aside, this quote was born from the exasperation of working for a company that really isn't a business of caring. They are a business of pain, penury, and strife.

Star's Bday

One would most likely be stunned, amazed, flabbergasted, astounded, dare I say, even gobsmacked to learn that my soul sister number 9 and I, her conjoined twin, do not actually share the same birthday. It's one of those great mysteries of science that neither man nor God can explain. Well, last year on this very day, I was curious as to what kind and beautiful words that Ms. Cypher would bestow unto me on the anniversary of my birth.
"Mornin' there sunshine supernova. Guess whose special day it is????"
Glancing up at me from her desk chair, as I stood and leaned over the partition, Cypher peered up over her eyeglass frames with a look of dead calm and said, "Eat cho' cake, Anna Mae."
Who needs a lame ass, fuckin' Hallmark when you got a sister who tells it like it is, straight up, no chaser; am I right or what? Uh-huh. You know that I is.

Needy Bastards

In regards to callers who want one ID & one password for every site and how irrationally irate they become when they need to create a new one:
"WHAT!?? I have to put in a new password?? Alls I wants is to get rebooted!!"
Cypher says, "It's like they want a Apple chip in they ass. They gone lo-jack you. Please..." If only it were that simple.

Our Respective Takes on The Lord

Cypher and I were taking advantage of some down time and I was telling her about Al Green's wife tossin' a skillet full of hot grits in his face and thus leading him down a path towards becoming a minister. My take? It's simple, kids: grits'll get ya ta God. Cypher, of course, agreed completely with my assessment and added, "That's right, Jesus wants soldiers - not punks and wimps."
(clearly we do not condone the wasting of grits, or the use of them in any form of violence. and, in all honesty, i'm certain that Christ loves punks and wimps as much as he loves his soldiers. however, we have yet to hear back from him on this.)