Cypher's Take on Chatty Old People

"1810, you shouldn't talk so damn much. Y'know?"

Cypher Takes A Spanish Call

"Thank you for calling New Age Slavery, may I have your name please?"

"jrosñuqpnfacnéaiaudyrídcodroiqeruqyívnjbsilñfgo."

"Um, can you slow that down?"

"Sure. jrosñuqpnfacnéaiaudyrídcodroiqeruqyívnjbsilñfgo."

"Ma'am...sloooow-er pahlease."

"jrosñuqpnfacnéaiaudyrídcodroiqeruqyívnjbsilñfgo."

Release call.

Eww

Security question: What is your favorite fabric?
"Gentleman's" response: skin

Way Too Much Information

One day when the phones weren't terribly backed up here at New Age Slavery, our co-worker Franny got an interesting call. She picked up the line and before she could finish her mandatory greeting she was cut off with, "I need to put you on hold. I have to go to the bathroom before I blow up." Gross. I told Cypher this and she came back with, "Bitch, just call back. It's not like your callin' for theatre tickets." Amen to that.

Star Needs To Rant

Apparently there is some sort of battle of words in the land of Holly and Woods between Megan Fox, of "Transformers," and her director. She claims that there is more action than acting in the two films. No shit, lady. Had she ever heard of Michael Bay prior to this?? I ain't even in the business but I know that he's in the top 4 worst director's of all time. Ed Wood, Jr. is more highly regarded than this tool. Here's a response I read from Bay:

"Nick Cage wasn't a big actor when I cast him, nor was Ben Affleck before I put him in 'Armageddon.' Shia LaBeouf wasn't a big movie star before he did 'Transformers' -- and then he exploded. Not to mention Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, from 'Bad Boys'," he points out.

Michael Bay's "The Rock" was made after Nicolas Cage won his Academy Award for "Leaving Las Vegas," as well as great recognition in films like "Moonstruck" and "Honeymoon In Vegas" - both which garnered him Golden Globe nominations - as well as "Raising Arizona" and several other films that kept him marketed as a comedic leading man.

Michael Bay's "Armageddon" was released after Ben Affleck's star-making turn in "Chasing Amy" and his Academy Award for Best Screenplay for "Good Will Hunting." Do you know who gave Ben Affleck his career? Kevin Smith. Do you know who gave him the opportunity to co-write a brilliant screenplay? The Weinstein Brothers. Did you hear Michael Bay's name in those last two observations? Yeah, neither did anyone else.

Michael Bay's "Bad Boys" was made well after both Will Smith & Martin Lawrence had already been successfully established in the industry. Will Smith was half of a wildly popular young rap duo followed by the lead in an incredibly well received television show. Will Smith made Will Smith a star. Then Roland Emmerich solidified his name in lights with "Independence Day." Martin Lawrence was a stand-up comic genius and star of his own television show years before "Bad Boys" was even conceived. Like all the other actors mentioned before, Michael Bay had NOTHING to do with the careers of any of them.
As far as I can tell, the only thing Michael Bay has ever succeeded in doing was to take talented actors and direct them into the sewers. Look at his filmography and witness before your very eyes an enormous steaming pile of walrus dung.

Also, I feel I should note that Shia LeBeouf isn't a star. He's a kid. And an actor at best, and trust me, his best is rarely found on screen. I've seen better actin' in tough actin' Tinactin. Ya feel me?

Who Did Dat Banana Puddin'?

I would like to take this opportunity to veer away from the Highway of Hell located here in East Central Dystopia. It's the only road in the territory and it has but one destination - the office building of New Age Slavery. As we turn off to the shoulder, let's talk about dreams. Not those dreams where you're in a men's room in Central Park doing lines of coke with Captain Kangaroo and Jennifer Aniston while Johnny Mathis sings from atop the urinal. (I would like to add that his voice sounds particularly spectacular as it ricochets off of the shit splattered porcelain. But I digress.) No, I am speaking specifically of the day to day dreams that we all have. A better house, a lot of cash, a new puppy, whatever churns your butter, as the saying should go. Well, my sister and I were on the subject of what we'd like to do for a living. See, no little girl lies awake in bed dreaming of someday answering calls for a company that's motto is "Here at N.A.S. we take great care in reminding you what a worthless SOB you are." So please don't even imagine that this is where we hope to be, come retirement age in the year 2079. Getting to the point, as I do have one, Cypher makes an extraordinary Naner Pudding. Let me be more specific. Cypher's Banana Pudding could bring permanent peace to the Middle East. It can cure cancer and the common cold in one spoonful. It makes dreams come true. When this goes global, women can serve this delightful dessert to a male companion and no lie, it's so good it'll get him to buy you a house with a wrap-around porch without havin' to give any head. Am I bein' clear?? So keep checkin' back to The Chronicles cuz we're gonna get a real live website goin' so as to share this creation with the rest of the world. Cause Cypher, she's one givin' bitch. That's why we love her.

Eric Roberts

Cypher "Mmmhmmm, I'd like to push up on dat."

Yes, dear, we are aware. He's delicious, delectable, and 100% satisfying. Like a juicy watermelon slice on an airless, scorching day in Kuwait. We praise Allah for creating this living Adonis. Shabawhodingus!!!!