Cypher Takes a Mumbler - Part 2

"Sir, can you do me a favor? Speak into the phone and tell me your name."

Ouch.

Aurelius was telling us about a coworker who told him, "Man, this woman just called me an idiot." Aurelius laid it out and said, "The truth hurts."

Even Better Than the Real Thing

"Star, let me tell ya, I've had some good stuff, but damn...in a dream? It's better than in real life."

Cypher Gets Sassy

Leaning over the partition, my soul sister and I were chatting about some of the office hotties when Cyph turned her eyes toward her pick of litter and said, "Mmm Mmm MMM! Sean, boy, don't make me come over there and hurt you with some hard kissin' like in the 50s." Yeah, Sean, watch out cause she means it.

Cypher Takes a Mumbler

"Is that that English? Cuz you're not speakin' the King's language."
'The King's language' - where does she come up with this shit?

The Forecast Is...

Looking up the weather online, coworker Tad saw the forecast for the entire country and noticed heavy rainfall in Tennessee. He walked past our desk, paused and said, "The hillbillies are gettin' wet." That they are, my friend.

Closing Time

Scene: Cypher and her caller:
"Yes, what time do you close."
"Ma'am we are available 24/7."
"On the phones, I see. But what about the website. What time does that close?"
".........newageslavery.com closes at 7, ma'am. Have you paid your New Age Slavery bill??"

When Cyph relayed this to me I could barely speak. What time does the website close?? That's when Cypher finished it off with, "Fuckin' stoopid ass people thinkin' the damn internet has a closing time. Waste of my damn breath."

Top Gun

Cypher: "Star, you gots anything to eat over dare in yer desk?"
Star: "That's a negative, Ghost Rider."
Cypher: "Roger that, Soul Sister Number Nine."

Panagopoulos

I overheard Cypher talking to one of our coworkers the other day, "Honestly, Mitch, I love your last name, but if I tried to say it, I'd just go on and have a seizure, so I'll stick with Mitch."

Daaaammmmmnn

Cypher sees me give a hug to LauryBeth after she returns from vacation and sez,
"Did y'all just hug?"
"uh...yeah. Wh-"
"Y'all need to cut that shit out....I'm just kiddin'"
Sometimes Cypher is too serious for her own good and goes around frightening the shit out of us. She looked at me and Laur like she was gonna go survivalist on us and start slittin' throats. But she didn't.

Spinnin' a Yarn

The other day I loaned my soul sister my lil' spool of dental floss. About nine minutes passed and I hollered over the partition, "Cypher, how much flossin' you doin' over there?" Always knowing just what to say, Cyph hollered back, "Dang, I was tryin' to make you a thong. Nevermind then..."

What's yer numbah, girl?

"Oh, you want my number? Well it's 555-GET-IT and if you call it, baby, you'll definitely get it."
Note to future suitors, when approaching Cypher, act a gentleman, not a common hood rat. Rats get no play off our gal.

Gotham Chopra

After IMing this pic to Cypher, she responded, "I like thick eyebrows on a man. Like the Unabomber."

Classic Customer Names

Jingle Jonas
J. Quackenbush
Sassie Cox
Sparkle McManus
Groverton Spitznagel (this man was a complete doll)
Mister Arock (he refused to tell us his actual first name and said it was Mister and to leave it at that.)
TuPac Anderson (I actually got to say the words, "May I please speak with TuPac?")

Moron. One of Many.

I spent close to forty five minutes helping a customer log in. She was not getting it and would take so long that the site would time her out and she'd have to start all over. It got to her second time around and she once again got booted. I offered to register her on my end so as to get logged in and off my line. I went through it and once I got to the point where she would need to proceed she said, "Oh, hang on. I'm just walking a letter down to the mailbox." Are you fuckin' kidding me?? I seriously sat there and listened to her walk down the gravel drive, the creaking of the rusty metal mailbox, and even heard her yell to her neighbor, "Hi there Otis! How are ya today? Is Cheryl back on her feet again..." Unbelievable.

Cranky Ass Customers

Cypher: "Eh, Soul Sister."
Star: "Yeah girl, what's up?"
"This guy just tried to get all loud with me."
"Damn, did he know who he was talkin' to?"
"Clearly not."
"Well you tell him 'This is Cypher, don't make me put my sister on the phone cuz she is right in back of me.'"
(get it, cuz we're conjoined twins, joined at the spine...)

Wheel of Fortune

One day I was telling Cypher about this contestant on Wheel who lost her freakin' mind every time she won anything. I mean, she bought a vowel and nearly shit herself. She was really out of control and over the top. I informed Cypher that sadly, she did not win the big prize. That's when my soul sister came out with, "Hell, if she'd a won she probably woulda raped herself."

Cypher on Necrophilia

I have no clue how we stumbled onto the topic of necrophilia, but we somehow worked the conversation to how a necrophiliac would discuss their dating proclivities to friends. Cypher claims it'd go somethin' like this-
"Shirley, what's goin' on?"
"Oooo...girl, I gots me a date tanight! And he's a stiffy!"

Cypher's Gettin' Frustrated

A while back, Cypher leaned over the partition and told me about an issue she'd had earlier with the gal in the cafeteria. Cyph asked her something and apparently the woman, "looked at me like I was applyin' for a god damn visa." Don't you worry, my girl Cypher straightened that bitch out.

Dawn Gets Set Straight

Our beloved Dawn who works down a ways from Cypher & me, stopped by to chat one afternoon. Cypher was in a particularly jocular mood and decided to take the piss, as it were. She stands up and tells Dawn the truth of the matter with, "Now jus' cuz you settin' down dare wit mas'er, doan go thinkin' you bedder den us. It just cuz you gots dat light hair. Dat's da oney reazin you dare and we by da doh." Yeah, and don't you forget it.

Cypher Meets The Princess

Cypher saw a picture of my friend, The Princess, and said, "Damn, Star, you hang out wit some hot bitches." Hell yeah, I do!