A Bit Frightening

Cypher got a call from a feller working at Texas Christian University who is in dire need of some psychological assistance. Cypher asked him what his user ID was and he responded with complete confidence, "It's serialkilluh." Well, now, that is not very Christian-like.

Another Genius on the Line

"I been on hold fer thirteen minutes! Do you know how long that is??!!" Hmm...let me think on that fer a spell...

Cypher Eastwood

Cypher overheard myself and Laury Beth discussing what our plans are for the upcoming holiday, stood up, glared at us over the cubicle wall and said, "Well, that all depends. Have you been naughty? Well, have ya...punk?" I am telling you, everything my soul sister number nine says is fuckin' hilarious.

Stupidity Continues

"May I help you with anything else?"
"Not at this time. But how late are you open?"
"We are here 24/7, sir."
"Uh-huh, and how late is that?"

"U as in urine."
"U as in underwear."

What is your favorite fabric?
"Plaid."

What is your favorite garden tool?
"Success Rice"

"I'm here on the Intro-net."

What was the name of your first pet?
"Bufferbutt the Hamster"

What is your city of birth?
"decembereleventhnineteenthirtythree"

And finally, some stupidity on my part. I tend to, more often than not, hear things incorrectly. Here are a few doosies.
They say: "Columbia University" I hear: Cornbeef University
"Lynchburg College" - "Lunchbox College"
"Lake Erie Correctional Facility" - "Elmer's Laundry Service"

True Evil

One afternoon Cypher and I were discussing a certain female in upper management here at New Age Slavery. We were hittin' below the belt with our nasty comments and got to discussin' how stank her cooch must be. Definite juvenile behavior, but we've never laid claim to be anything other than a coupla catty ass bitches. Anyway...Cypher laid me out with, "You know that she can't even douche, I reckon. Cuz that'd be just like holy water to a demon. It'd burn like hell. We be hearin' that sow hollerin' like Whitney fuckin' Houston - BOBBY!! Lord..."

Cypher on Queen Elizabeth

"She looks like she needs a serious bowel movement."

Ghost Hunters

There is a god damn ghost settin' in your chair smokin' a cigarette that you can see AND smell? That's when you need to get the fuck out. Star, now you know you & me is cool, but black people don't get hauntings, okay? They just don't.
Carol Anne??? Carol Anne, it's Mommy. Can you hear me???

More Honesty From Cypher

A customer was speedin' through her social on the phone and I overheard Cypher say, "Ma'am, I'm askin' for your social security number. You know it; I don't. Slow that down for me, willya?"

Cypher's Take on Chatty Old People

"1810, you shouldn't talk so damn much. Y'know?"

Cypher Takes A Spanish Call

"Thank you for calling New Age Slavery, may I have your name please?"

"jrosñuqpnfacnéaiaudyrídcodroiqeruqyívnjbsilñfgo."

"Um, can you slow that down?"

"Sure. jrosñuqpnfacnéaiaudyrídcodroiqeruqyívnjbsilñfgo."

"Ma'am...sloooow-er pahlease."

"jrosñuqpnfacnéaiaudyrídcodroiqeruqyívnjbsilñfgo."

Release call.

Eww

Security question: What is your favorite fabric?
"Gentleman's" response: skin

Way Too Much Information

One day when the phones weren't terribly backed up here at New Age Slavery, our co-worker Franny got an interesting call. She picked up the line and before she could finish her mandatory greeting she was cut off with, "I need to put you on hold. I have to go to the bathroom before I blow up." Gross. I told Cypher this and she came back with, "Bitch, just call back. It's not like your callin' for theatre tickets." Amen to that.

Star Needs To Rant

Apparently there is some sort of battle of words in the land of Holly and Woods between Megan Fox, of "Transformers," and her director. She claims that there is more action than acting in the two films. No shit, lady. Had she ever heard of Michael Bay prior to this?? I ain't even in the business but I know that he's in the top 4 worst director's of all time. Ed Wood, Jr. is more highly regarded than this tool. Here's a response I read from Bay:

"Nick Cage wasn't a big actor when I cast him, nor was Ben Affleck before I put him in 'Armageddon.' Shia LaBeouf wasn't a big movie star before he did 'Transformers' -- and then he exploded. Not to mention Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, from 'Bad Boys'," he points out.

Michael Bay's "The Rock" was made after Nicolas Cage won his Academy Award for "Leaving Las Vegas," as well as great recognition in films like "Moonstruck" and "Honeymoon In Vegas" - both which garnered him Golden Globe nominations - as well as "Raising Arizona" and several other films that kept him marketed as a comedic leading man.

Michael Bay's "Armageddon" was released after Ben Affleck's star-making turn in "Chasing Amy" and his Academy Award for Best Screenplay for "Good Will Hunting." Do you know who gave Ben Affleck his career? Kevin Smith. Do you know who gave him the opportunity to co-write a brilliant screenplay? The Weinstein Brothers. Did you hear Michael Bay's name in those last two observations? Yeah, neither did anyone else.

Michael Bay's "Bad Boys" was made well after both Will Smith & Martin Lawrence had already been successfully established in the industry. Will Smith was half of a wildly popular young rap duo followed by the lead in an incredibly well received television show. Will Smith made Will Smith a star. Then Roland Emmerich solidified his name in lights with "Independence Day." Martin Lawrence was a stand-up comic genius and star of his own television show years before "Bad Boys" was even conceived. Like all the other actors mentioned before, Michael Bay had NOTHING to do with the careers of any of them.
As far as I can tell, the only thing Michael Bay has ever succeeded in doing was to take talented actors and direct them into the sewers. Look at his filmography and witness before your very eyes an enormous steaming pile of walrus dung.

Also, I feel I should note that Shia LeBeouf isn't a star. He's a kid. And an actor at best, and trust me, his best is rarely found on screen. I've seen better actin' in tough actin' Tinactin. Ya feel me?

Who Did Dat Banana Puddin'?

I would like to take this opportunity to veer away from the Highway of Hell located here in East Central Dystopia. It's the only road in the territory and it has but one destination - the office building of New Age Slavery. As we turn off to the shoulder, let's talk about dreams. Not those dreams where you're in a men's room in Central Park doing lines of coke with Captain Kangaroo and Jennifer Aniston while Johnny Mathis sings from atop the urinal. (I would like to add that his voice sounds particularly spectacular as it ricochets off of the shit splattered porcelain. But I digress.) No, I am speaking specifically of the day to day dreams that we all have. A better house, a lot of cash, a new puppy, whatever churns your butter, as the saying should go. Well, my sister and I were on the subject of what we'd like to do for a living. See, no little girl lies awake in bed dreaming of someday answering calls for a company that's motto is "Here at N.A.S. we take great care in reminding you what a worthless SOB you are." So please don't even imagine that this is where we hope to be, come retirement age in the year 2079. Getting to the point, as I do have one, Cypher makes an extraordinary Naner Pudding. Let me be more specific. Cypher's Banana Pudding could bring permanent peace to the Middle East. It can cure cancer and the common cold in one spoonful. It makes dreams come true. When this goes global, women can serve this delightful dessert to a male companion and no lie, it's so good it'll get him to buy you a house with a wrap-around porch without havin' to give any head. Am I bein' clear?? So keep checkin' back to The Chronicles cuz we're gonna get a real live website goin' so as to share this creation with the rest of the world. Cause Cypher, she's one givin' bitch. That's why we love her.

Eric Roberts

Cypher "Mmmhmmm, I'd like to push up on dat."

Yes, dear, we are aware. He's delicious, delectable, and 100% satisfying. Like a juicy watermelon slice on an airless, scorching day in Kuwait. We praise Allah for creating this living Adonis. Shabawhodingus!!!!

Early Morning Wisdom

"I can think cuz I had breakfast."

It's a statement that's simple, concise, and speaks volumes. Cypher really oughta do cereal commercials and she and I should be the new faces on Kashi's Good Friends Cinna-Raisin Crunch cereal box. They'd sell like a mofo, kids.

Another Catchphrase Is Born

Faithful readers know that our tagline is "Don't start shit and there won't be shit." Cypher recently came up with another gem: "What the fuck you give, is what the fuck you get." If Deepak Chopra had been raised in an inner city in the Americas, I believe he would have first thought of this quote. However, he didn't. Our Cypher shoots from the hip and doesn't believe in sugar coating anything and God bless her for that. As an aside, this quote was born from the exasperation of working for a company that really isn't a business of caring. They are a business of pain, penury, and strife.

Star's Bday

One would most likely be stunned, amazed, flabbergasted, astounded, dare I say, even gobsmacked to learn that my soul sister number 9 and I, her conjoined twin, do not actually share the same birthday. It's one of those great mysteries of science that neither man nor God can explain. Well, last year on this very day, I was curious as to what kind and beautiful words that Ms. Cypher would bestow unto me on the anniversary of my birth.
"Mornin' there sunshine supernova. Guess whose special day it is????"
Glancing up at me from her desk chair, as I stood and leaned over the partition, Cypher peered up over her eyeglass frames with a look of dead calm and said, "Eat cho' cake, Anna Mae."
Who needs a lame ass, fuckin' Hallmark when you got a sister who tells it like it is, straight up, no chaser; am I right or what? Uh-huh. You know that I is.

Needy Bastards

In regards to callers who want one ID & one password for every site and how irrationally irate they become when they need to create a new one:
"WHAT!?? I have to put in a new password?? Alls I wants is to get rebooted!!"
Cypher says, "It's like they want a Apple chip in they ass. They gone lo-jack you. Please..." If only it were that simple.

Our Respective Takes on The Lord

Cypher and I were taking advantage of some down time and I was telling her about Al Green's wife tossin' a skillet full of hot grits in his face and thus leading him down a path towards becoming a minister. My take? It's simple, kids: grits'll get ya ta God. Cypher, of course, agreed completely with my assessment and added, "That's right, Jesus wants soldiers - not punks and wimps."
(clearly we do not condone the wasting of grits, or the use of them in any form of violence. and, in all honesty, i'm certain that Christ loves punks and wimps as much as he loves his soldiers. however, we have yet to hear back from him on this.)

Why Do They Do The Things They Do?

"Women. They just keep yammering. No wonder men leave 'em." I hear ya, soul sista; loud 'n funkin' clear, baby.

Turn Ons...

"Star, y'know what I like aside from feet? And I like feet to look at, but I don't have one-a those weird fetish things. I just like feet. Well, I like lisps. Y'know who's got a lisp? McNally from the old Detention Technologies board. Just once I wanna hear him say Lipshutz. Just once." Another dream never to be realized...

God Damn Know-It-Alls

So Cyph had a caller who insisted that,
"There's something wrong with your system."
"Bitch, it's you! Ain't nuthin' wrong wit the system. Yo, watch this-'I refreshed the system ma'am, please log in again.' Watch, she gone be all surprised and shit."
"Oh! so I can log in? Great, that is just wonderful!"
"Yeah, uh-huh, Poof!-it's refreshed. Like I got a magic wand up in here. These people don't know shit. I let 'em think they do, but all the while, I'm the one knowing the truth a the matter."

Keep Yo' Complaints Ta Yerself

Cyph had a caller who felt entitled to enter her husband's account and was displeased with my soul sister when she was informed that she was not to receive access to said information. She got all huffy and said, "But I'm covered under his plan!!!" True to form, sister Cypher didn't skip a beat when she came back with, "Yeah, well, I'm covered under the blood of Jesus, but I'm still catchin' Hell." Damn, right she is, honey.

The Legend in Our Living Room

For those faithful Chronicles viewers, you may recall that on August 21st of last year I did a post of Cypher imitating the incredible laugh of a certain Detention Technologies employee. Well, Sunday evening I got a teary call from Franny informing me that Aurelius had Facebooked her to say that Bertrand passed away that morning. I know that I speak for everyone of us at New Age Slavery, as well as the old Detentions peeps, when I say that we are nothing short of full-stop shocked about this news. Bertrand was hilarious with a no-bullshit tolerance attitude. He had impeccable style and taste. Anyone who saw his footwear will agree. He was one of those incandescent people that everyone seemed to gravitate towards. The man was class all the way, no question, and he will be so very missed by all of us.

For Verification Purposes

We were recently talking about how every caller we get has to verify their ID & password to gain access and how fucked up would it be if before reporting a crime or calling 911 you needed to do the same. Por ejemplo...
"Yeah, yeah, Cyph, it'd be like: For wife-beatings, press 9. Suicides, please press 8..."
"Ohmigod, no, hold up, check this, Soul Sister: 'Ma'am may I have your date of birth?' 'THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE!! HELP ME!!' 'Ma'am, I can't hear you when you scream at me. Please slow it down. I need your date of birth before I can process your request for aid...' Oh my Lord, how fucked up would that be!"
Then Laury Beth chimes in with her gem, "Wait, how about this: 'MY HUSBAND'S HAVIN' A HEART ATTACK!!!' 'Okay, Ma'am are you the primary on the account??'"
We may all just be New Age Slaves workin' the lines and fieldin' the calls, but god damn it, we can find silver lining in a black abyss.

Question of the Day

Should someone driving a $250,000 Bentley go through a Wendy's Drive-Thru?

Cypher and I are outraged to think that there is actually someone of such low caliber allowed to interact with polite society. I mean, that is just très gauche. Who on Earth would spend that amount of money on a precision automobile such as a Bentley, only to litter it with greasy food. It's appalling and tacky and these individuals should be taken to task for their despicable behavior. Our beloved coworker, Laury Beth, actually defends these humans begat from swine based on the fact that if "they're hungry and want Wendy's." I swore that her voice would not be heard on this survey, however, I am an open minded female and feel that both viewpoints be presented equally. Even though all of those bred from fine, upstanding families will agree that placing Wendy's fries, which quite frankly taste of people, into a Rolls Royce is nothing short of utter tackiness. If you feel the same, please comment; all others would be so kind as to keep those fast food fingers from the computer's keyboard.

Another Woman Beatin' on Her Man

New Age Slavery has a policy that we must speak only to the card holder. Usually this means the husband and few things enrage a wife as much as denied access. Often times, when the man is actually available, the wife will dictate to him what he is to say. Cypher once took a call of this nature. She hit mute, stood up and exclaimed, "This woman is tearin' her husband apart! Damn!!! She just hollered 'Dat's a U not a Dub-U!' God damn! Time to serve her belligerent ass some fuckin' divorce papers."

Cypher, oh she's mad flirty, kids...

So there's this fella that we see around the office, one of those IT guys, right. He's like, ten, maybe fifteen years older than me & my sister. Well, one day he comes over and is helping me out with my stoopid lap top when Cypher stands up, leans over the partition and says, "What's your name, sir? Cuz we just been callin' you Handsome Guy." Ed replied with a huge grin on his cute lil' face, "Oh, I like you..."
Later Cyph shared this with me: "He got a lil' dip in his strut. Y'know what I mean. In a white dude? That's rare. I kinda like it."

Star Speaks Her Mind

Okay, time for a rant. Over the weekend I had the great misfortune of being dragged to "Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans" with my cousin. She is a fan of any film that I feel to be complete and utter garbage. She is the demographic for which films like "National Treasure" and "Norbit" are made. I wanted to see "The Wrestler" or "Slumdog Millionaire" (you know how my soul sister & I love those gorgeous Indian men...) or maybe even "Revolutionary Road," but being as I play the obedient boyfriend to all of my female friends, I got stuck watching the CGI werewolf/vampire flick. It wouldn't have been so painful if I wasn't seated in front of an eight year old girl who ran commentary during the entire film. Also, her two brothers next to her, ages ten and eleven, enjoyed kicking the back of our seats while chewing louder than a cheetah devouring a gazelle in the Serengeti. However, on the opposite side of the daughter were the individuals responsible for placing these monstrosities in my presence. Oh, and how could I forget the 2 year old boy who was suckling his mother's breast thru the entire second act. "Oh no she di'n't!!" Uh, yeah, she absolutely fuckin' did. But the silver lining to this charade was that the parents brought the kiddies to the 7:50pm showing of the R-rated and extremely violent film. Thus leaving plenty of time to tote the whole fam to an early gang rape and that weekend cock fight out in West Philly. And let's not forget the late night Klan meeting at quarter after eleven, followed by a quick jaunt across the river into North Camden to pick Daddy up some H and sell little Samantha into white slavery. Perhaps one day, she will look just like this little girl. It's good to dream, kids, but more often than not, that's all it is; a dream. Those fuckers are in for a miserable ride on the downward spiral into the eighth circle of Hell.


photo by the extraordinary Ms. Mary Ellen Mark

Callers Who Are Too Damn Old To Be Callin' Us

We love older guys and gals as much as the next kid, but why employers insist these folks use the computer is beyond comprehension. Here's what Aurelius and Cypher said should be the basis as to whether or not they should attempt to use the fancy thinkin' box:

~If you was changin' Baby Jesus' diaper.
~If your name is on the Hieroglyph wall.
~If you were part of the Civil War fightin' with Abe Lincoln.
~If you was there when they built Ellis Island & brought over Lady Liberty's torch.
~If you happen to have invented the wheel or discovered fire, then your ass needs to back the hell away from that computer.

Where's Big Sam??

"We are pickin' callers from the phone line just like pickin' cotton from the field."
"Amen, Cyph. If I's the foreman on dis plantation I's be sayin' quittin' time, y'all."

Exasperation leads to moments of genius.

This is reality. Thanks for showing up.

A Star Is Born

"Damn, these callers got some funky ass names. They need to get a Hooked On Arabic, cuz I need somebody to tell me how you spell Shabawhodingus!"