Allergy Season?

Here's a little phone conversation between Cypher & her caller that I just so happen to listen in on:
"And can I have your first and last name, please?"
"Ha-shhe."
"Bless you, your first name."
"Ha-shhe."
"Bless you. Again, your first name."
"HA-SHHE!"
"Bless you. Ma'am, is there a cat in the house or somethin'??"
Cypher later leans over the partition and asks, "What the fuck kind a name is Ha-she? I mean, that ain't no fuckin' name. It's a god damn sneeze. Star, baby, you wouldn't go namin' yer first child after a fuckin' sound effect, now would ya?" Hell to the no on that one, soul sister, hell to the mutha fuckin' no.

Random Acts of Stupidity

Okay, so here at New Age Slavery, we have to, on a daily basis, tolerate the stupidity of our customers. A daunting task, I must confess. Here are a few excerpts from moments that blew me and my sister's minds:

Star: "Please click on the link that says 'Forgot your password'."
Caller: "I can't use my arms to type." - ponder that gem for a spell....

"Um, for where it says City of Birth, do I just put my date?"

Our favorite ID: assmaster1. Funnily enough, this was not the same individual that answered his security question of "What is your favorite garden tool?" as his cock. Truly a classy guy.

"Uh, hi, yeah, um, my wife tells me that I need to be on happy pills. She says I can order them if I go on the Intro-net."

"My address bar is broken."

"My first cat's name? Oh, it was General MacArthur."

Exasperated caller: "Honey chile, I have worn out my acrylic tips tryin' ta get into ya'lls site. Can you help a girl out?"

(this is Cypher's fave) Star: "Please read through the agreement and click I Agree."
Customer's response: "Ain't nobody smoke in mah house! Not my wife, not nobody!! Dya hear me??" - that's a big 10-4 there, buddy....

"Is the 3 capitalized?" - someone seriously asked me that. My reply was stunned silence.

"U as in Eugene."

Fran: "T as in Tom"
Caller: "P as in Polar?"
Fran: "No, T as in Tom, Tracy, Table!!"
Caller: "C as in Cable??"

"Sir, please verify the following question-Who was your first employer?"
"My first employer? In life?"

But everyone's absolute favorite of all stupid callers is without a doubt the gal that called to inquire about accessing her husband's account. After Simon asked to speak to her husband to verify information, she explained that he was in Germany. "Well, ma'am, I can't allow access to the account until I've spoken to the owner." "Um, one sec....(insert the sound of a female poorly pretending to be a male by using a pathetic deep voice)...um, hello?" "Ma'am, I know this is you." Classic.

Some people....

It wasn't that long ago that Cypher and I took separate trips to the ladies latrine. See, here at New Age Slavery, it's a lot like Shawshank Prison; you gotta ask da boss 'fore you can even squeeze a drop. We did our business, got back on the phones and the first chance I got, I told my soul sister to go into aux 9 so we can chat. Before I could even get a word out, Cypher jumps right into my thought and says, "Uh, yeah, didja notice anything in the bathroom? Like, perhaps on the floor area??" Of course I did, and we went back and forth over the next few minutes discussing our feelings of outrage regarding the Ferrero Rocher nugget found in said bathroom. This is when the office hottie, let's refer to him as Star's Milk Chocolate Delight for now, well, he walks past and sees us gals gabbin' and asks what's the word down the aisles. My response to this delicious young thing you wonder? "Well, if I may be so bold, sir, some triflin' ass skank dropped a deuce on the floor of the ladies." And that, dear reader, is that.

Play the Fly on Our Wall

"Ohmigod, Cypher, check this fella out. His name's Judah Friedlander. Isn't he as delightful as Granmama's scrapple?"
"He's a hot buttery mess."
"No! He's awesome!"
"Star, that man looks like some kinda crazed truck driver."
"Well, you know what they say about truck drivers, honey."
"Not recallin' anything specific. Enlighten me, sister."
"Thing about truck drivers is, they can't tell time; but they sure can fuck."

The Biggest Difference Btwn the Sexes

So Cypher was telling me how she just does not understand how women have absolutely no problem calling in and saying "Yes, I have a vaginal itch that I need to address..." It's like, hello! you just told the funkin' tech support about your coochie problems. That's when Cypher says, "Y'know, y'never hear men callin' in and sayin' 'Yeah, the doctor just jiggled my balls and I wanna know where those results are on the web.' That shit just don't happen. Men just fuckin' know better." That they do, my dear. That they do.

It's Official...

Star has joined the ranks of followers of Dr. Natura. Cypher and Aurelius had told me about it last year and my first 2 month supply arrived today. As my Soul Sister #9 put it, "He's my shit specialist." Indeed he is.

Who is your favorite historical figure?

And here are some personal favorites from our beloved callers:

Pinochio (note: this was spelled incorrectly and also, Pinocchio is a character of fiction, not history)
Nixon or Hitler
Celine Dion
Bruce Springsteen
Joe Mama
my wife
Ralph Macchio

And on a somewhat unrelated, but nevertheless absolutely hilarious note, when Aurelius needed to ask a caller his security question of 'What was the name of your first dog?' the response was 'Black Power.' I betchya no one in that neighborhood messed with that dog. I sure the hell wouldn't. However I do wonder whether it was a Rottweiler or a pink French Poodle...

That's Hot.

So, Friday at the office, Cypher and I were discussing the apparent heat wave that will be hitting the area Sunday and into the beginning of next week. We drifted into a discussion of how to cool off on these random, early fall, hot-ass days.
"Star, honey, all you gots to do is get yourself some ice and put it on your neck, your feet and in your crotchal region. But hey, just beware of hypothermia, y'know?"
"Whoa...that'd be a helluva way to end it, eh? I can hear it now: 'Officer, the cause of death...well, we found ice...in her...downstairs kitchen...' 'Is that a fact? Well, I hear it's good eats in that kitchen...'"
I don't know about you Chronicle readers, but that shit cracked me & Cypher the funk up.

What we deal with on a day to day basis:

"Thank you for calling New Age Slavery, my name is Cypher, how may I help you?"
"Yes, hello, Velveeta is it, well I seem to be..."

What a dumbass.

Our Congratulations

Cypher and I are absolutely thrilled that Jim and Pam are officially engaged. Us bad ass sistas got all kinds-a choked up over Thursday night's proposal. Well done to Lee Eisenberg & Gene Stupnitsky for writing a pitch perfect episode. Keep 'em comin'!!

A Word From Our Sponsor

Not too long ago, we had a visitor over to our side of the cube. It was none other than our fellow worker, Uncle Peaches. Peaches was goin' on about his stint in the Gulf in the 80s and how he came back a very angry and disenchanted young man. Since then, he has married and calmed down, finally able to get the reigns on some of his deep rooted issues. (like, I mean issues. Like he needs a library to store all those back issues. Currently we are seeking someone to catalog them via The Dewey Decimal System, so please apply if qualified.) Anyway...we were discussing how to handle situations that arise in our day to day wherein we become confronted with an individual who is directing their anger and hostilities towards us. Here is a short and to the point way of how to respond in a calm and healthy manner: "Well, enjoy your life. (slight pause) Cuz there's sumthin' wrong with it." Simple, yet concise.
Sidney Poitier once wrote that one must "find a positive outlet for anger or it will destroy you." It is along those very same lines that Peaches informed us that all one needs to do is recognize that the anger of the other party is unhealthy, and that it is best to not address the anger because the problem is not you, it is the way in which that individual is living their life in such a way as to fuck up your afternoon. So I give a shout out to Uncle Peaches. Thanks, man, and hey, Namaste.
Also, please take in to account that Uncle Peaches is the same man who during last year's Holiday Pollyanna, sent everyone at New Age Slavery a list of his wants: "shirts, socks, and underpants." The man actually asked for his co-workers to purchase underpants for him. And honestly, who calls them underpants anymore? I mean aside from my 85 year old grandmother. At times I feel he's too twisted for color TV.

Cypher's Latest Food Invention

"Star, why don't they make Skittles Rice Krispie treats?"
"With all that gelatin? Um, that'd be too much animal bones for one treat."
"Oh yeah? Well, they make them hooves pretty delicious, y'know. I like me some horse hooves every now and again..."
"Well, you're alone in that."

Our Greatest Wishes

Cypher and I easily tire of the daily hub and bub of office work. We were discussing how one day we would like to just once, answer a call in our own way. Now, I have been known to thicken my Joisey accent from time to time to where I sound like Jami Gertz in a certain 1992 film. However, Cyph was tellin' me that one day she intends to answer the call as Tony Montana. For example, rather than ask the caller if they could please provide us with their subscriber identification number so as to assist them further, my soul sister will instead say, "Uh, yeah, jew nee' ta g'me jer susscribah eye-dee, jew 'ear me, uh??" And honestly, only she can pull that off. I however, being slightly more timid, wanted to answer calls more musically. I did one time have enough ovos to take the call and summon my very best Johnny Mathis voice and sing "♪Hellllloo, I don't even know your name...♫" There was of course a long pause on the other end until I said, "...and you have reached New Age Slavery, formerly known as Detention Technologies..." It was a proud moment in our family, I can tell you that. It's not every day that a dream becomes a reality. It can happen to you, ya dreamer, so keep reachin' for those stars.

Never one to hold her tongue...

Cypher loves to tell it like it is and that goes for me as well as anyone. But, me bein' her soul sister and all, I gotta say that her snippy-ness really only endears her to me all the more. Like the other day when I fell short of her expectations and she snapped: "If that's the best you can do, than you're a sorry tramp." Cypher, baby, I loves ya.

Permanent State of Mind: Confusion

That pretty much sums up exactly how Cypher & I feel when taking these calls. Confused. Not terribly long ago, we discussed ad nauseam the fact that many of the callers do not own a computer. This intrigues us because the very nature of our business is to assist these callers with online technical support. Why dontchyouse play the fly on the wall to a smattering of our conversation on this pressing issue:
Cypher begins, "You know, I just gots ta ask ya, Star, where are they gettin' our number?? It's like I'm askin' them where they at on the site and all of a sudden some kinda insane revelation occurs and they go, 'Oh I don't have a computer.' And they're all matter-of-fact about it, like I'm some sort of a damn fool and should know this already. I swear one man was all, 'Oh, I ain't gotta computer. I was buyin' m'self a saw at Home Depot and damn if it didn't have your number on it.' I mean, come on now, damn it, what the funk is wrong wit' dees bitches."
"Seriously! I mean, I was buying some hemorrhoid cream last week and I actually saw our number on the back of the box. What's next I ask you, 'Yeah, I live in a tree and I'm really callin' you from a soup can with a string...' I feel like tellin' them that they are too worthless to speak to any further and then just clang 'em."
"I heard that, sister Star, mmmhmmm. 'Yes I'm callin' you from a desert island off the Pacific Coast and the coconut I'm using for a phone has got your number on the back.' Child, puh-lease! Buncha fuckin' deadbeat morons callin' here for Christ sake."

The laugh to end all laughs....

A former coworker back in the Detention Technology Days had thee bestest laugh I've ever heard. And who would be the one to reproduce Bertrand's laugh with graceful perfection, but my soul sister number nine, Miss Cypher. Here it is in all it's glory. Enjoy, cause I know that those of you with class, sophistication and impeccable wit, will indeed appreciate this little nugget of our lovely little lives.

She's Got It All

"Hey Star, do you have a magnifying glass?"
"Sure, in my desk."

"Do you have any glue?"
"Yeah, I think I have some in my desk."

"Star, what's a biscotti?"
"Oo! It's like an Italian cookie. I have one in my desk actually."
"Um, do you have everything in your desk? 'Hey Star, do you have a formica sink in your drawer?'"
"No, but I have one in mahogany...."

The Birthday Girl Takes a Call

Well, well, well, it's Miss Cypher's special day. That's right, it's our girl's birthday and she is as sassy as ever. Now, here at New Age Slavery, it is a known fact that Cypher is Queen of the Field. Er, well, the Queen of fielding calls, that is. Anyway, recently, our bday baby got a call from a different kind of queen. A gentleman who Cyph referred to in these brilliant words, that I shall leave you with: "He was very 'Showboat'. Very Las Vegas and spirit-fingered." If that shit don't make you laugh then you ain't worth a damn.

Honesty. Such a lonely word.

Cypher, never one to mince words or hold anything back, tells me of her recent run in with a rather obnoxious and unsightly department store assistant: "This bitch had the stomach of a large scud missile. Now dat's a big belly." And that's all you need to know about that.

One Sentence Says So Very Much

She sounded like a sorry, slovenly bitch.

Sendhil Ramamurthy

"Now that's some good love makin' right there. Some people are more in love than others and you just know that when a man is that good lookin' that he came from some damn fine love makin'." Truer words may have never been spoken.

They Never Cease to Amaze Us...

So Aurelius stopped over to chat with Cyph & I today and informed us that when he instructed one of his callers to hold down the shift key and pressing the number 8 key, they asked, "Oh, you mean the little snowflake??" Oh dear.....
Then Cypher told us her own interesting experience with one of her customers. She told him to use the end parentheses. "Uh, now, whatchu nee' me ta do dare baby? Ya mean da crooked smile on mah keyboard? Ohkay, I'ma mash dat..." It is truly a special group of individuals that call in to New Age Slavery. God bless 'em all!

Grandmama Roxy's Catchphrase

When Cypher was growing up, no matter what she & her cousins were doing, Grandmama Roxy was always yellin' after them, "Y'all talkin' too much-you're runnin' up my lightbill!" "Close that damn door, dontchya'll know that yer runnin' up my light bill???" But few moments in life can be quite as cherished as being shouted at by a 5"1', 98 pound woman to "Knock off that jibber jabber flappin of yer gums! You are runnin' up my light bill fer heaven's sake!" God bless her, she is one helluva a lady.

And The Hits Just Keep On a-Comin'

Miss Cypher got herself a call not too long ago from a sassy sounding Southern gent who was mighty anxious about getting assistance to log into his account. Cyph guided him thru the torrent of links, loops, and hoops and got him in with grace and agility. He then exclaimed, "Yeah, I gots ta take dis here test fer mah job. I got dis companie like a dang monkey on mah back." "Well, thank you, George Michael," I replied, while my Soul Sister #9 hit back with "♪Why can't you set your monkey free!!!♫"

Farewell Detention Technologies....

I just received word that Detention Technologies has been taken over by the West Virginia based company, New Age Slavery. This sudden change has taken me back to my first day on the job. I was just settling in at my desk when I was tossed a pamphlet on what to expect from the company. I was so impressed with their honesty, that I would like to share with you some highlights: "Here at Detention Technologies we'll put you in an environment of inept training and then belittle you if you didn't comprehend the half ass training. Suck it up and get back to work. As for medical emergencies, there's no such thing. We have trained advisers to tell you to shove your grief and misery in a sack and take it to the incinerator. Don't get too comfortable in that swivel chair either, for we can fire you at will. And don't go worrying about collecting unemployment, because there is none. We have expert criminal accountants cooking the books so that we don't have to put out a penny. As for restroom breaks, you better not squeeze a drop without asking first because the bulls will crack their cudgel down upon your skull with the quickness. Thank you for applying to Detention Technologies, where we welcome modern day slavery with a smile."
So, it's rather apropos that they would merge with a company that firmly believes in carrying on the tradition of enslavement in the workplace. While entering the office yesterday, I noticed the company's motto being hung on the wall. It was inspiring, and so I would also like to share it with you, dear reader: "Here at New Age Slavery we do everything in our power to break your spirit. We will work you long hours with little to no compensation, just like the good ole days in the tobacco fields." They're still accepting applications, so send that resume on over!

April Eye Candy

a few months back, cypher & i grew closer thanks in part to the brilliant comedy show, the office. mostly, we bonded over our equal love of dwight schrute. at first glance, he's easy to dislike. severe hairstyle, distinctly unflattering eyewear, and most importantly, an incredibly abrasive personality. but as the series progressed, he became interesting and amusing followed by endearing with an occasional tender moment. he was very flawed and very human and once those characteristics were indentified, cyph & i fell hook, line and sinker.
rainn wilson plays him to perfection and that scene in the stairwell after he and angela broke up had me crying and hugging my freddie bear. you just know a performance is solid when you connect with a character so much so that to see them in that much pain actually causes your chest to ache.
thank god the writers strike is over b/c we can only go so long without our dwight k. schrute. i would also like to add that the number 5 on my speed dial is 1.800.984.3672. i call it whenever i'm stuck in traffic.


and here is rainn wilson out of character and just as sassy. y'know, there is something about a regular every day fella that just makes life that much sweeter...maybe it's their attainability or the sheer fact that you can grab a cup a coffee with them and gee, i dunno, actually have a decent conversation??? few things are as painful as sitting across from a man and faining interest whilst he yammers on and on about his recent hair care product purchases. puh-lease! give me a real man, or leave me with my ladies.

Trapper John, M.D. Memories

To pass the infinitesimal time at the office, I asked Cyph which celebrity curled her girlhood toes. She paused long and hard and I could see her eyes close as she thought back to those hot afternoons in her Grandmama's front parlor. There on the well worn, dark green carpet sat a nine year old, cross legged, pig-tailed girl on a round orange and olive crocheted pillow. Her big sienna eyes opening wide as a dark haired doctor appeared across the old Zenith television screen. Well, hello, Dr. Gates....

"Y'know, Cypher, it sez here on Wikipedia that his name's Gregory Harrison. Apparently he was in Falcon Crest & Touched By An Angel."

"Well, he can touch me ta-day."

The conversation turned to other 80s favorites such as Adrian Zmed, Rob Lowe - Dawn's pick, Lee Horsley, Tom Selleck, James Brolin, Bill Shatner, & Lee Majors. Ah, those long gone days of hunky beefcakes strutting across the small screen and sending our young loins a-clangin'! How we do so love to reminisce...

it should be noted that harrison also starred as eric roberts lover in "it's my party" - but i think if cypher knew that her two great loves filmed a passionate lip lock, that very well may send her over the edge and into some sort of frantic state that would be truly unhealthy.

When Stank Ass Breath Is All Up In Yo' Face

possible responses could be:

It smells like you got a mouth full of dead kittens.

Hot, burning garbage smells better than your mouth at this moment.

You are assassinating me with your breath.

Your breath is the reason Daddy left.

Cypher's All Time Favorite

"Alright ma'am, what type of browser are you using?"
"Um, well.....let me check....oh, it's The State of Georgia."

that one's right up there with "What is your member ID, ma'am?" to which she replied "The World Wide Web." and she was serious as a heart attack.

Inconvenient Stores

Cypher was at a local corner shop when she was confronted with a young and rather disgruntled worker. She placed her items on the counter and was greeted with, "You ready yet?" Cyph then displayed her Rambo-thousand yard stare on the kid. He lowered his eyes with the quickness and got right to baggin' up her stuff. "That's when he got hisself together and I snatched my bag offa that counter. You give me a fucked up reaction, you gonna get a fucked up response."

Monday-dreams

It pretty much goes without saying that Detention Technologies is a damn hard place to work. Just like walkin' that last green mile, honey. And those that hold power are akin to the Dementors in Azkaban. Take that, add the fact that it's day one of the work week and Sister Cypher and I get ourselves a mean case of the Mondays. That is when we dream our biggest and brightest. Today we found a home in the Keys that we have decided to purchase. We'll be closing next Friday and can't wait to spend the weekend there. It's a sweet deal - fully furnished and in our price range at a cool 2.5 mill.
In order to pay for our new luxury abode, we set up a lemonade stand and a kissing booth (Dawn said she'd lend her lips to the cause as well!), plus we entered a bunch of Double Dutch competitions. This weekend we are booked solid with events in Philly, DC, Boston, Queens, The Bronx, Harlem, and Hartford. It's a little known fact that the streets of Hartford, Connecticut are lousy with rogue double dutchers. We plan on wiping the floor with 'em, baby, so y'all watch out.

Star ♥ Peter Fonda

One fine afternoon in between calls at Detention Technologies, I turned to Cypher and asked which male celebrity old enough to be her father does she find attractive. Not missing a beat, she jumped right in with, "Eric Roberts. You know, that man has got to have women just fallin' at his feet" "And men as well," I added, "He inspires both sexes with his hotness." "Mmmhmmm, he is that appealing. I'd like to sit on his lap and call him Daddy. Yeah, he can get it anytime. He is that delicious, honey."
(Cypher ♥ Eric Roberts)

Just Another Ordinary Day

Here at Detention Technologies, we slave over every stoopid bloody call that jumps into our queue. It wasn't but a few months back that I answered one of these very calls and was immediately cut off mid sentence by a rather anxious young woman who blurted out, "Yeah I need to find a gynecologist. Now." Um, oh-kay? I then attempted to help her locate one online but she was becoming incredibly impatient and once again cut in with, "Look, here's my zip code, can't you just tell me the name of a gynocologist near me????" At this point I hit mute and yelled over my cube to Cypher, informing her of the crazed desperation this woman had concerning her nether regions. In true form, Cyph yells back, "So, she basically just told you that she got a stinky ass coochie. That's just nasty. (wait for it.....) 'My Stuff Is Burnin'!!!!!!!!'"
I'm sorry, but that shit is funny.

Speakin' the Truth

"They say JK Rowling makes more than the Queen. That's a shame. I mean yer the Queen. You're basically takin' everybody's paycheck and then a child book writer makes more than you. That's a shame."

This Sho' Ain't Kansas

"I like me some good rape scenes. On TV, that is. On TV? On OZ? Oh, yeah, let it go, baby. There ain't nuthin' wrong so long as it's all in my mind. I just like that shit."
"That's cool, cuz I like men to peepod on me."
"I hear ya, I like me a rusty trombone every once in a while."
(feel free to add your own pitch perfect trombone sound effect to the ending of that last statement.)

Tramp.

Sometimes that's all that needs to be said.